Sharing our not so secret feelings about Hulu's The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives
I don't care if you like the show none of us have seen yet, but I care about the way we talk about it.
The show will likely be an absolute train wreck, like all good reality TV. During an election season? We are not worthy of this blessing.
This week Hulu released the first real trailer for their new reality show documenting, the heavily covered MomTok fallout that occurred two years ago. I call the first real trailer because they previously shared a MomTok signature-style dance announcement that left people questioning whether it was legit or not.
The general response to the trailer and the conclusions people are drawing from it have been STRONG. I was surprised by how passionately even some people in my inner circles felt about it, so I asked the women who follow me on Instagram for their own reactions.
If you aren’t familiar with me, though it is unlikely because, how else would you have found this, just a quick introduction so you know where I am coming from.
I’m a born and raised Mormon. Returned missionary. Former MTC, Bonneville Communications, Publishing Service Department of the Church employee. In 2015 I opened an LDS temple dress company called Q.noor. I have since spent the better part of the last decade talking to thousands of LDS women online about the ins, outs, and garment-induced yeast infections of being a Mormon woman. I am ride or die for Mormon women. I’ve lived and been an active member in Utah, Arizona, New York, Connecticut, Singapore, Italy, and Japan. I am also no longer practicing which, for me, means I have stopped going to church, dabble in hot drinks, and strongly disagree with a lot that the Church is doing.
To those of you still willing to consider my thoughts after that last line, thank you. It’s sad to me that many will use that one detail to discredit all of my credentials for speaking on this topic, but that’s an article for another time.
Now, back to why we have all gathered here today.
A few hundred women responded to my request for feelings regarding the trailer. Feelings ranged from enraged to disinterested, but there were a few very obvious common themes.
As someone who usually opts for a small screen scroll as my numb of choice, I really do not care whether you like or dislike Hulu’s newest large screen numb series. However, I testify that the response below is true.
Over the coming weeks and months, A LOT of talk about this show will come to pass. I worry for the women and families involved, AND I think the resulting discussions have the potential to be beneficial to our community. In the spirit of encouraging productive and healthy conversation, let’s work through some of the most common responses.
Wait, real quick before we dive in. I want to make it temple chandelier crystal clear that I in no way know these woman or pass any judgement of them. I may have my own feelings about my of perception their choices, but they are nothing more than that. I do not know them, nor their motivations. Below, I respond to commenters’ perceptions from their point of view, but that does not mean I agree with those perceptions.
First, let’s understand with both our minds and our hearts that ‘reality TV’ is just as scripted as our favorite sitcoms. When watching reality TV featuring people and lifestyles totally foreign to our own, it’s pretty low-stakes whether we fully acknowledge the un-reality-ness of it all. It’s a completely different degree of gloomy when the ‘reality’ tv features people, places, and things that are part of our very real lives. It’s a bizarre in a “in reality but not of reality” way.
Also, as much as the church might want a Surgeon General’s (or should we say Surgeon Prophet’s) style warning on every episode, to be clear, the Church 100% has zero power to require Hulu to do any such thing.
This was, by far, the most common theme. Humans often unconsciously “sort” people because it helps us navigate complicated human experiences. It can be uncomfortable to think others may be sorting us into the same category as people we don’t relate to or feel completely opposed to. I get that. This is a great opportunity to ponderize on how we may be inaccurately sorting other groups and individuals based on the media we consume.
I guess I’m not really surprised by this response, given the reasoning above, but it is pretty confusing given the namesake of the Church these individuals are attempting to gatekeep. When we consider how relatively few stories we have about Christ, it’s significant to me that more than one involve women who the church and general community considered unclean or unworthy due to sexually related ‘sins.’ How did Christ view those women? Well, He certainly didn’t say ‘Ew. You’re not one of us.’
Again, I understand where this response is coming from AND it’s very much giving John 8 vibes.
Dearmormonme is a great account that covered of this topic. I loved the following perspective they shared. The Church counts every single person who has even been baptized and confirmed (excluding those who have not been rebaptized after excommunication or record removal) as ‘Mormon.’ Any of the women and men starring in The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives who fall into this category will be included in the membership total shared in General Conference the first week of October. Just like you, me, and all of our own personal sins will be.
I'm comfortable with where I stand in relation to the Church right now, but even if I wanted nothing to do with anything Mormon-related, it would be impossible to erase the impact of what has been, if not the largest, one of the most significant influences on the first 30+ years of my life.
My therapist once asked me how often I thought of people living in Ohio. I told her basically never. She said, ‘that’s how often the average person thinks about Mormons.’ I love her, and I love being reminded that we are not the main characters.
But to this point, should we be more concerned about the impact of a single reality show about a handful of people that the average media-literate person would understand to be sensationalized, not real, and for the purpose of entertainment, not education OR the actions of the actual Church? What impression does it give when the Church coveres up child sexual abuse? What impression does it give when the Church has an estimated $265 BILLION dollars and donates only roughly 3% (not even 10%) to charity? I love this visual if you need help grasping just how much money a single billion dollar is.
If there were any disclaimer on any reality TV shows, it should be: ‘Misrepresents the norm. Just drama for money and fame.’ There were a lot of comments about how these women were just ‘in it for the money and fame.’ To that, I’m shrugging my shoulders and saying, ‘And?’ Isn’t everyone who works any job ‘in it for the money’ on some level? I think there are very few people who would keep doing even the most honorable jobs if money wasn’t exchanged.
Is seeking money evil? Well, if Christ was specific about one thing, it’s the dangers of financial wealth. But if the Church has found a way to accept of a billionaire apostle, then I think these ladies are in the clear when it comes to wealth. No one becomes a billionaire without being ‘in it for the money’ AND these women will never get anywhere close to a becoming billionaires by staring in a reality TV show.
Side not: I really wish the Church apply the same level of creative and nuanced it uses to embrace billionaires despite The Rich Young Ruler (Matthew 19:16-30; Mark 10:17-31; Luke 18:18-30), The Parable of the Rich Fool (Luke 12:13-21), The Parable of the Rich Man and Lazarus (Luke 16:19-31), The Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 6:19-34; Luke 12:22-34), The Parable of the Sower (Matthew 13:1-23; Mark 4:1-20; Luke 8:4-15), The Woes to the Rich (Luke 6:24-26) and apply it towards embracing the LGBTQ community— who (checks New Testament) Christ never mentioned. If anything, the Church’s past and present treatment of LGBTQ children of God reminds me of Mark 10:13-16.
When it comes to Mormon influencers, He is always near.
I’m sorry! I had to. There was no other way. But on a serious note— do we really actually believe that? I thought the whole point of the ‘leaving the 99’ parable was that if Jesus is near to anyone, it’s those on the fringes.
This is a common response not just to this situation but basically anytime the LDS church is depicted in anything less than a Jospeh with glowing skin and Pantene Pro-V commercial hair light.
I mean this is in the kindest way possible: Please stop saying this.
As my therapist taught me, we are not the main character, especially when it comes to religious persecution. Hundreds of thousands—millions?—of people have died in recent history for their faith. From what I can find, fewer than 100 Mormon coverts died from mid-1800s mob violence. Catholics, Muslims, Jews, and others are frequently falsely depicted in the media. To claim that we are somehow uniquely victimized is blatantly ignorant and borderline offensive. Seriously, please break up with this falsity and never get back together—like, ever.
This hits home for me. I guess we will have to see how extensively children are involved in the show. This applies to any children whose parents broadcast their private lives to the world through any form of media. Every parent has to decide what is right for their family; what is right for my family may not be right for yours. Social media is still so new, and we are very much in on-the-job training when it comes to understanding its impact.
It is obviously uncomfortable to think of a child growing up with their parents’ sexual choices known to the world. I also feel uncomfortable when I see parents sharing their children in vulnerable and private moments, or even just detailed documentation of their lives, with millions of strangers for any reason and even in the most wholesome of scenarios.
There is a line early in the trailer where one of the women says, ‘We were raised to be these housewives for the men, serving their every desire.’ If you watch and listen closely to this statement, you’ll notice a couple of things: 1. We don’t actually see her making this full statement. It cuts to b-roll part way through. 2. The cadence of her speech changes twice throughout the sentence.
“We were raised to be these housewives—for the men—serving their every desire.”
She may have said something similar, but it’s very likely that we are hearing a statement crafted by an editor in postproduction. Again, a reminder that reality TV is not real. Trailers are designed by professionals to create buzz and draw an audience.
“But Rosie, what if she really did say that?”
If she did say that, then I believe her when she was that was her experience. Was that my exact experience? No, but I can see how that could happen. You may have had a completely different experience, but that doesn’t make either her experience or my own any less valid.
It’s not a secret that Church has taught for many years that women should focus on being housewives. Up until of a handful of years ago, women in the temple were instructed to covenant to ‘harken unto’ their husbands. Are retired temple covenants considered secret or sacred?
Last but not least, let’s address the stigma.
Please remember that the Mormon pioneers we so love and revere were considered sexual deviants by contemporary society. They fled their homes in America and immigrated to Mexico to continue practicing polygamy. Everyone involved in the MomTok soft swinging situation were consenting adults. Mormon polygamy? They, unfortunately, can’t claim the same.
In closing, I just want to acknowledge how uncomfortable these types of things can be for us. Those feelings are real and valid. Again, I don’t know these women. They could be angels or monsters. Most likely they are just humans. I hope for the best for everyone involved on the show and in the comments.
Bye!
IM SORRY HULU
It’s so funny when members are like “Those women can’t call themselves Mormons!” when the members themselves don’t call themselves Mormons- like they have disavowed (often! And publicly! For almost a decade!) the name “Mormon” and still they gatekeep even the name they don’t claim. Next level gatekeeping. Also- welcome to Substack! Happy you’re here!